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Minor Technical Hitches To Re-Conversion – Not Insurmountable

By Dr. Sylvia Karpagam

25 November, 2011

A satire on the drive towards a Hindu nation

Soooo, there is talk about a Hindu nation. Good, good, very good. Excellent idea!! The reason being given is that Germans have a German nation, Italians have an Italian nation, Russians have a Russian nation etc., although I am unsure about when German, Italian and Russian became religions, but never mind.

The ‘burning (I didn’t mean Godhra, of course) issue is – when there are Islamist nations, why not a Hindu nation? Whatever the Muslims can do, we need to and CAN do better. If THEY can be fundamentalist, then shame on us if we are not more than them. That’s clear then – whatever the Muslims, especially the radical and rabid ones do, the Hindus have to do better.

Now that leaves a rather annoying issue of what we should do with the Muslims and Christians we already have in India. Some of the more loving Hindu brethren suggest mass re-conversion (back to Hinduism) of these past converters (read traitors). Then we can all be nice and Hindu and unified – unified but unequal (UBU).

So what caste do these Christians and Muslims re-convert to? Although, the original Brahmins could technically go back to being Brahmins, generations of influence by these other religions would definitely have taken its toll. What if they start making statements like ‘all are equal before God?”

My personal opinion is to not reconvert them back to hindu brahmins – serves them right for converting to other religions in the first place. Maybe there should be a ‘pending approval’ caste – where these kind of wayward brahmins are left for a period of time till they learn a lesson. However, to be fair to them, many of them have continued to uphold the initial caste hierarchy and pecking orders that have been nurtured in them, inspite of conversion (much to their credit).

What happens to the other caste groups when they reconvert? The Kshathriyas could go back to being the warrior class, the Vaishyas could go on with “business as usual” and the Shudras could go back to doing whatever it was they were doing as Christians and Muslims.

But now comes the catch – what shall we do with the original dalits who converted to other religions? They have to go back to being Hindu dalits, right? What occupation should they be given?

They could take their pick of skinning dead animals, cleaning out human excreta or handling dead people. Hmm – wonder what people would choose, if given a choice. Skinning dead animals is a potentially fun occupation. I guess a lot of able-bodied men would choose that, what with their macho images and all that. They could have competitions on who skins the fastest while still leaving the entire skin intact – no mean skill that. The winner could be awarded a goat’s head or a buffalo head to place as a memento in his quarantined dalit shed.

What about cleaning human excreta? Well, on the one hand it at least ensures a stable government job with the sewage department – cleaning out soak pits and sewage tanks. The really nice thing about this job (which the dalits should be grateful for but aren’t) is that they face no competition from anyone else. There is a sort of job security – a sort of reserved post for the dalit. I wonder why no one objects to caste based reservation policies for these jobs?

The excreta cleaners should consider themselves privileged to do stuff like cleaning out their superior’s excreta. It gets them brownie points on their karmic cycle and their application for up-gradation to shudra category on rebirth, might get fast tracked for approval. Anyway, that’s just a suggestion and a possibility. A sort of promo for excreta cleaning – ‘Choose cleaning out soak pits and ensure a place in the shudra category. Early birds get the worm or should I say early dalits get the excreta??

Handling dead corpses – hmm there may be a few takers here as well. The only problem is that it wouldn’t be a 9 – 5 job, what with people dying randomly and whenever they pleased. Not a good option for those who like their sleep and don’t fancy been woken up at odd times to drag a dead body to its grave.

But, but, having said all this and knowing the ingratitude of these people, they may just refuse to re-convert back to being a dalit. The solution then lies in forced re-conversion. This shouldn’t surprise them, considering that they are used to forced conversion, anyway. The only difference being that we now won’t be offering them education, self-respect and equality as an inducement to re-conversion.

Never mind, if they disagree, we have several options, that we have already tested rather successfully, one might add. We have an array of interesting technology and techniques and we are not ashamed to say that we borrow rather heavily from our Nazi role models.

We could rape the women – it’s a tried and tested method. Rape the women and watch the women (if they are alive and walking of course), their husbands, sons and fathers run to re-convert. Another option would be to burn their houses. A third option is to torture them. Now torture is something that we really need to work, research and develop if we want large-scale conversion. We need to choose a few of their leaders (not that there are too many anyway) and torture them till they beg to be re-converted. Simple really – especially as we have lessons from Germany and other such countries.

If we don’t want to go through the tortuous path of re-conversion, we can just take recourse to genocide. To make sure that our dalits feel like they also belong to this UBU hindu nation, lets get them to do the killing.

Outcome – everyone’s happy and we can get on with business as usual.

Long live the hindu nation !!

Dr. Sylvia Karpagam MD, MBBS is a public health doctor and writer. She blogs at http://drsylviakarpagam.wordpress.com/




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