Forget
Valentine's Day
By Kalpana Sharma
The
Hindu
23 February, 2004
"What's
the big deal?" asked Nikhil Chinnapa, the MTV VJ during a television
discussion. He was rightly questioning the organisers of a discussion
on that perennial subject, Valentine's Day and on whether it is against
Indian cultural ethos. Have we not heard enough of this, asked Chinnapa.
In several respects he was right. Why does the media give credence to
a minute minority of people who are raising a ruckus over Valentine's
Day and as a result make it more popular? Every newspaper carries photographs
of the handful of individuals, under the banner of one of the Sangh
Parivar's groups, who go out and burn cards, intimidate shop owners
or blacken the faces of hapless young men using the day as an excuse
to woo their lady love. Why do such small demonstrations merit so much
attention when huge gathering of workers, adivasis and anti-communal
or anti-war protestors do not get more than a few lines? The coming
together of over one lakh people from all over the world in Mumbai in
January for the World Social Forum hardly drew any media attention in
comparison to the annual ritual of highlighting the opposition to Valentine's
Day.
It is about time
the media realised that opposition to Valentine's Day is not news anymore.
It is a ritual followed by such a small handful of people as not to
merit more than a passing mention. For whether the Sangh Parivar's busy
bodies like it or not, and regardless of whether we think V-day has
been excessively commercialised or is a videshi import, February 14
has come to stay. It will fade as soon as we stop paying so much attention
to it. In any case, the Bajrang Dal does not oppose the selling of birthday
cards, the cutting of birthday cakes, and birthday bashes, some as ostentatious
as weddings. Since when did this kind of birthday celebration become
desi or Indian? Surely, this too is a western import that ought to be
opposed. In fact, why have cards at all? Who thought of sending cards
for Deepavali? Is that an Indian custom? The argument could be taken
to a ridiculous extreme. And that can happen because the entire issue
is a non-issue, one that ought to be set aside. The media should take
a lead on this by not giving any credence to the two and a half groups
carrying forward their annual ritual of opposing Valentine's Day.
There are far more
important issues that we do not address. For instance, the Valentine's
Day ritual has caught on not just in the metros but also in smaller
towns. In the past, there have been reports that this day is used by
boys to harass girls in some north Indian cities like Jaipur, much as
they would do during Holi. One more occasion has been found to legitimately
approach the other sex.
That apart, it is
evident that such days, and the general ethos of romance and love conveyed
through advertisements, serials and books, is raising aspirations in
the young. They dream of a chance to "fall in love" and live
"happily ever after". Sadly, that is where the dream ends.
For Cupid's arrow, in this country, must land in a preordained space
it must strike a person of the right caste and creed. Otherwise,
the love match is rejected. Increasingly, that is the hard reality that
thousands of young people, who delude themselves into believing that
things are changing and that they will be able to make a choice on the
basis of the dictates of their hearts, are being forced to face. They
are firmly brought down to earth by families who refuse to accept their
right to make a choice. If a couple refuses to fall in line, they must
face rejection, ex-communication, and even violence. The happy endings
are few and far in-between.
The norm is selection
by calculation and not choice by impulse. It is heartening in the face
of this to hear stories like the recent one from Chennai where a young
woman, A. Jayalakshmi had the courage to reject her bus conductor groom
Murugesan at the last minute because of the demands being made for dowry.
The family had already given 34 gold sovereigns but another three
were due and the keys to a two-wheeler. If these were not given, the
marriage would not take place, the girl's father was told. To her credit,
Jayalakshmi decided she would not go ahead with such a match. What is
more amazing is that she decided not to waste her father's efforts at
putting together the wedding occasion. So she chose another groom, a
distant relative who happened to be visiting and had been invited to
the wedding! The story is extraordinary and the courage of the young
woman has to be lauded. But the real story is the fact that her parents
did agree to such atrocious demands in the first place and that the
girl clearly did not have a say in the entire arrangement. Here is a
southern Nisha Sharma. Perhaps there are more. One hopes that hearing
this girl's story, there will be more like her.
Given the experiences
of girls like Nisha and Jayalakshmi, this annual brouhaha over Valentine's
Day should not obscure the reality of the = trade in girls under the
guise of marriage that continues to be the norm in India. In the poorer
and lower class families, the dowry giving and taking is blatant. In
high society, it is subtler. But the pressure to spend, to show off,
to have ostentatious weddings that bear no connection with the reality
of people's lives is the real issue we should all be opposing. What
can one say, for instance, about the huge and extravagant affair in
Lucknow that drew everyone from the Prime Minister to a cricketing hero?
Is this a role model for how young people should conduct their affairs
in the future?
So my advice to
the Sangh Parivar is that they should look within Indian society, pay
heed to the evils that reside in it, tackle the manner in which girls
continue to be treated and deal with the mockery of marriage that is
evident in the tamashas that pass off for wedding ceremonies. Let them
spend their energy in righting these wrongs and forget about the apparent
threat posed western culture and Valentine's Day.
E-mail the writer at: [email protected]