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Alaska Votes To Secede, Supported By Russia - A Satire

By Janis Schmidt

27 March, 2014

We live in an era where the news is entertainment and not responsible for being factual. So, with that in mind, I will throw my hat in the ring. This is what I heard:

President Barack Obama told Russian President Vladimir Putin in a phone call on Monday that the United States rejected the results of a referendum vote in Alaska in which Alaskans voted to secede from the United States, and had asked Russia's assistance to help purge Alaska from neo-Nazi provocateurs.

Earlier, recently ousted from North Dakota, neo-Nazi, Craig Cobb, led a coup on Juneau, Alaska. He announced himself as governor. He instigating the deaths of 100 people, including Sarah Palin, who he mistakenly thought was governor, and her daughter, Bristol. Apparently, the neo-Nazis didn't like Bristol's dance routines. They said that was reason enough for poor little Bristol to be taken out. They, at least, gave Sarah a fighting chance by setting her loose on an ice floe with a polar bear. They also gave her an AR-16 due to her legendary hunting prowess. Unfortunately, by the time they realized their mistake, both Palin and the bear drowned when the ice floe melted in the rapidly warming Artic Sea. An Exxon-Mobile deep sea drilling rig spotted Palin as she sunk out of sight. It is estimated that Exxon stood to lose a million dollars if it wasted any time trying to save Palin. However, they did lower the flag to half mast in honor of the “drill, baby, drill” woman. The real governor, Sean Parnell, narrowly escaped in a kayak. A Russian fishing boat and set him down on Russian soil, He traveled by train to Moscow to ask Putin for asylum. Putin said he could bunk with Snowden.

Meanwhile, Cobb flew to D.C. where he was warmly greeted by Obama. Obama recognized him as the legal governor of Alaska, and offered him $1 billion dollars for moving expenses. Obama warned him to steer clear of Putin. Cobb said not to worry; he wasn't scared of the Red army. “In fact, if I had been in charge, you all would be speaking German.” At which, Hilary laughed herself silly, and made the comparison between Hitler and Putin, which was quickly taken up by McCain. McCain said that Obama was being too wishy-washy with his sanctions and that he should fire off a couple of cruise missiles over Putin's head. John Kerry blustered that Putin had not acted constitutionally. He said this with a straight face, completely overlooking the fact that the US had invaded Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, and God-knows what other countries. Obama has been sending in the drones to drop bombs on Pakistan, and God-knows where else, something he doesn't inform the public of, much less allow them to vote on. Kerry complained that he wasn't allowed to listen in to the Putin/Obama phone calls, whereby Putin told him to stop cry-babying around and just ask the NSA what was said.

The Russians laughed themselves silly when they heard of the sanctions. They said, “Who, in their right mind, wants to go to America?” Putin was quick to point out that even Snowden didn't want to go to America. The White House’s measures, which mostly involve freezing assets held overseas by eleven Russian and Ukrainian officials, and denying them visas, were aimed at people who, as far as we can tell, don’t have significant foreign property or bank accounts. Putin said, “Anyone stupid enough to invest in America, deserves to lose it. You don't have anything of value anymore, just a lot of plastic junk.” The sanctions freeze any assets under American jurisdiction and prevent American banks from doing business with the named individual, essentially freezing them out of the international banking system. The sanctions also impose a ban on their travel to the United States. However, not even one Russian wanted to come to America. Putin said that Obama should ban all Russians from coming to America because he didn't want them to be contaminated with American sleaze and junk culture. Putin said he had his own list of people he was banning from coming to Russia, starting with Miley Cyrus.

Obama stated that Russia's actions were in violation of Ukraine's sovereignty and territorial integrity and that, “in coordination with our European partners, we are prepared to impose additional costs on Russia for its actions." With over half the votes counted in the referendum, 95.5 percent of Crimeans chose to join Russia. Obama had a hissy fit and threatened additional sanctions on Russia.

In a telephone call with Putin, President Obama emphasized that “the Crimean 'referendum,' which violates the Ukrainian constitution and occurred under duress of Russian military intervention, would never be recognized by the United States and the international community." Putin replied that Russia no longer recognized Alaska as being part of the United States, to which Obama replied, “That is flat out stupid. You have no concept of history.”

To which Putin replied, “Russia had initially settled Alaska way back in the 16th century, when the land grab was on in the Americas. Of course, only England and the hybrid bastard, wayward child of Great Britain, otherwise known as the United States of America, were the only ones recognized as having any legitimate claims to Indian lands. You stole all your land from the Indians. You don't begin to know the meaning of legitimate. Don't you think it's the height of hypocrisy for you to suggest Russia is acting illegitimately?”

Obama puffed himself up and attempted to blow down Putin, who just laughed at him.

Putin said, “Let me give you a little history lesson. Russia was lured into the Crimean War back in 1853 when Great Britian, father of illegitimate America, objected to Russia threatening its hegemony world status. The immediate issue involved the rights of Christians in the Holy Land, which was controlled by the Ottoman Empire or Antolia. Christians have a long and bloody history of pushing their holy weight around the world, threatening pagans to convert or else. In fact, God fearing Christians believe it is their God given right to stamp out all other religions as their divine and Manifest Destiny. Now, who can argue with that?”

“That doesn't mean anything,” said Obama.

Putin countered, “Perhaps you would have a better understanding if you were a descendant of slaves. As it is, you are descended from the original mass murderers and a tribal African. It is no wonder you have an identity crisis, and slavishly serve the interests of big business rather than the interests of the people.”

“The Ottoman Empire included a large region around the eastern Mediterranean Sea, including present day countries of Turkey, Georgia, Armenia, Azerbijan, Iran, Iraq, Syria, Greece, Ukraine and Crimea. The Ottoman Empire was an outgrowth of the Roman Empire, by way of the Byzantium Empire. When Emperor Constantine moved from Rome to Byzantium, renamed Constantinople, located on the tip of Turkey, he created, unintentionally, two Roman Empires, the West and the East. The West fell, whereas the East thrived. Contrary to Christians peace loving missions of turning the other cheek, Christian Emperor Theodocius ordered the deaths of thousands of pagans and forbid them from practicing their religions on pain of death.”

“The French, under Napoleon, promoted the rights of Catholics, while Russia promoted those of the Orthodox. Neither one acted much in a Christ-like fashion. The longer-term causes involved the decline of the Ottoman Empire, and the unwillingness of Britain and France to allow Russia to gain territory and power at Ottoman expense. Russia lost and the Ottomans gained a twenty-year respite from Russian pressure. The Christians were granted a degree of official equality and the Orthodox gained control of the Christian churches in dispute.”

Russia and the Ottoman Empire went to war in October 1853 over Russia's rights to protect Orthodox Christians. Russia gained the upper hand after destroying the Ottoman fleet. To to stop Russia's conquest, France and Britain entered in March 1854. Most of the fighting took place for control of the Black Sea, with land battles on the Crimean peninsula in southern Russia. The Russians held their great fortress at Sevastopol for over a year. After it fell, a peace was arranged at Paris in March 1856. The religion issue had already been resolved. The main results were that the Black Sea was neutralized—Russia would not have any warships there—and the two vassals Wallachia and Moldavia became largely independent under nominal Ottoman rule.”

Obama interjected, “What does this have to do with anything? No one reads history, at least not the way you tell it. We have our own version of history.”

“Which you keep repeating over and over,” said Putin. “Which is why Americans don't even wish to live in America anymore. I hear that North Dakota is going to secede.”

“We won't allow it,” said Obama.

“Just like you won't allow Crimea to secede?” asked Putin.

“We don't have to listen to you or anyone else,” said Obama.

“I was elected president of Russia, and I took an oath of office to protect the constitution and protect my people. Trying to talk to you, much less negotiate with America is like playing chess with a pigeon. The pigeon knocks over all the pieces, shits on the board and then struts around like it won the game."

At which Obama flew about the room in a rage, becoming totally incoherent, proving Putin's point. Then he said, “Ukraine is under our protection.”

“Oh really? Since when?” questioned Putin.

Obama sputtered, “Ever since WWII, and NATO.”

Putin laughed so hard, he fell off his chair. “America has hated Russia from the very beginning. Russia began with a socialist form of government, which America couldn't stand because it meant the capitalist bankers would no longer be in charge, because the people would govern themselves. America was never a democracy and still isn't. A chaotic period of warfare ensued after the Russian Revolution, with internationally recognized establishment of an independent Ukrainian People's Republic. Why isn't the Russian Revolution heralded like your American Revolution?”

“Because you established totalitarianism while we established democracy,” said Obama with a straight face.

“Oh, really?” asked Putin. “Have you read your constitution or your Federalist Papers?”

“I don't have to listen to your stupid arrogance when I can just send in a few drones and drop a few bombs on you.”

“Which is your real reason for wanting Ukraine, so you can build a few more missile bases aimed at Russia. You didn't like it so much when Khrushchev tried to put in a few missile bases in Cuba. Rather than starting a nuclear war, Khrushchev caved, and gave you Crimea for God knows what reason. Not our greatest leader, but neither was your Reagan, who turned you all into capital puppets. You have the worst totalitarian system the world has ever seen You have turned America the beautiful into America, a toxic wasteland. You have turned your once proud and independent citizens into addicts and brainwashed ignoramuses. So you think you established democracy? It is a shame you weren't born back in the 1700's. You'd be hoeing a row of tobacco and picking cotton for your president Washington. What was established was not democracy, but capitalism with the wealthy in charge.”

“I don't have to listen to you and I won't. I will apply a few more sanctions,” said Obama.

To which Putin just laughed. “No one in their right minds wants to go to your toxic wasteland where you permit and encourage your farmers to poison their crops and oil corporations to poison the water. I feel sorry for your poor, deluded citizens, who are going to die of hunger and thirst in the richest, most powerful country on earth. You produce nothing, you manufacture nothing. You can't even grow a decent crop of vegetables. You are a nation of schemers and scammers. You are destroying not only yourself, but the whole beautiful world. You are ugly, and what you create is ugliness.”

At which point, Obama jumped up, knocked over the desk and chairs, and defecated on the floor. Then he called Fox News, Clear Channel, and NSNBC News to report that he had knocked down Putin and threatened more sanctions if Putin didn't clear out of the Black Sea. And he was to stop holding any more elections which were not monitored by the US with loan of American voting machines.

Janis Schmidt is an artist an writer. She is currently writing her book, a fictional autobiography, which will explain how we got into this sorry mess in an entertaining, meaningful and memorable way. jlschmidt@gondtc.com



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