Vedic
Olympics
By Satya Sagar
28 September, 2004
Countercurrents.org
I have
finally figured out why the Indian sub-continent, home to over a billion
people, does not produce a single gold medal winning sportsman or athlete
at the Olympic Games.
Some people (usually
pseudo-athletic intellectuals) mistakenly think it is all about low
nutrition levels of the masses, lack of infrastructure and state support
for sporting activity, poor training et al but for me the reason is
quite simple- Olympics is Greek to Indians.
By Indians
I mean of course, upper-caste middle-class Indians who are the only
ones in our land with time, money, opportunity to pursue sporting activities
in any meaningful way. The under classes are too busy doing several
forced decathlons every day to keep those above them contented
And as far as elite
Indians are concerned, despite Alexander the Greats brief intervention
two millennia ago, most sports events at the Olympic Games are completely
alien to their entire history, philosophy and ethos.
I am serious and
what I am about to say just now has important implications for Indias
future strategy in the world of sports in general and at the Olympics
in particular. If only the sports authorities woke up to my analysis
I can guarantee that one way or the other we will surely get all the
gold available at the next Games (plus more!).
To begin with we
have to understand a few simple facts. There is no such thing as a universal
sport- every sport has a unique history, is suited to a particular way
of life, worldview and is easily understood and practiced only by those
who conform to its cultural demands. An Indian attempting a Greek sport
is as dubious as a Greek trying to sing an Indian song.
If that is too confusing
let me give the example of the 100 meters track event in which, barring
a very few exceptions, India has never produced any promising athletes
in its entire sporting history. My contention is that this has nothing
to do with lack of training or stamina or any general deficiency of
the Indian physique as such- it has to do with motivation.
No privileged Indian,
worth his salt, will run a 100 meters very fast just because somebody
promised him a piece of gold. They know it is a trick of some kind.
The Greeks invented the trick in ancient times, the Americans and Russians
fall for it repeatedly in our times and the Chinese are fast catching
up but the Indian approach to getting gold is very, very different.
We know from our
ancient sages that the best way to obtain gold is by sitting down calmly,
breathing deeply, meditating and removing all thought of the shiny metal
from our consciousness- whereby all the gold in the world will mysteriously
land all by itself at our feet. Failing which of course one can always
buy the damn thing and smuggle it back home. Only a fool or a thief
would run for gold and as they say a fool and his gold are soon parted.
(I am not so sure whether this adage applies to the thief though)
Of course, I am
not denying there are other reasons also for Indians not winning gold
medals at such events. The fact is that we are too polite a people to
get ahead of other people using brute physical force.
Given the general
level of chivalry that exists among Indian men I will also bet our best
male runners will never get past even average women athletes from another
country in any race. Sad but true, our gentlemanliness is the cause
of our downfall when it comes to sporting competitions.
Another example
of how the uniquely Indian approach to the world hampers our ability
to win gold medals is that of the hurdles event. For civilizations that
derive their origins in ancient Greece a hurdle is an obstacle that
can be physically overcome by simply making an effort and jumping over
it.
Not so simple with
the highly cerebral Indians- for whom first of all philosophically all
hurdles, anywhere, are but illusions and exist only in the mind of the
observer. Secondly even assuming there is this illusion of an obstacle
that one is faced with, the solution is not to try and jump over it
like a horse or a donkey. Isnt it wiser to first lower the bars
and gently step over or even better to go around the obstacle while
smiling wisely at those foolish enough to waste their bodily energies
leaping over them?
These above were
specific examples but overall the differences between the Indian and
Greek approaches to sports go much, much deeper and have to do with
attitudes of their ancient peoples towards the human body itself.
For the Greeks the
body was something to be developed, made stronger, fitter and finer
whereas much of Indian thought has been directed towards negating the
very fact of physical existence. Whereas the ancient Greeks greatest
ambition was to run on the treadmill of life for as long as possible
the ancient Indian sought not just to jump off this sorrow-producing
device but also prevent it from going around in cycles forever.
Given all this it
is not surprising at all that we dont win gold medals at the Olympic
Games. As they stand right now they are a conspiracy against our entire
civilization- based as they are on the cultivation and worship of the
ephemerally material body.
So what is the way
out then? Are we to write off ever coming back with gold from the Olympic
Games?
No need to be so
pessimistic. I think, one possible solution could be to force the Olympic
organizers to change their events and rules. (Easy, we point our nukes
at them)
Some of the changes
to the current Olympic system and its rules for example could include
making it compulsory for all athletes to recite the ancient Gayatri
mantra before commencing their efforts at winning the gold. While our
competitors stand tongue-tied we can easily amble past them to the finishing
post. This would fit in perfectly with the ethos of the Rig-Veda- a
rigged sporting event.
Another possible
rule, keeping with other fine aspects of Indian tradition, is to allow
twice-born athletes to run only half the distance in order
to be declared the winner (just like in all other spheres of Indian
life). Given that no other country produces this variety of human being
we will dominate the Olympics all the way into the distant future. Surely
our fellows can make it to fifty meters before their competitors do
a hundred?
Apart from this
the organizers must allow our countrys learned sadhus and gurus
to attend the Games not to compete of course but just to make
their presence felt. They should be provided with necessary infrastructure
to start a small fire, a loudspeaker to chant their mantras, fans to
blow the smoke towards the audience and hand out vibhuti to all athletes
foolish enough to participate in the Olympics.
At the end of the
Games I bet most if not all the winners, convinced of the futility of
competition, laden with gilt and burdened with guilt will voluntarily
deposit their medals at the feet of the sadhus. (Take that, you silly
Chinese, who are selling your souls and 5000 years of history to catch
up with the West by imitating them!)
Another approach
of course is to forge a new version of the Games altogether; based on
principles of Indian philosophy- we can call it the Vedic (or even better
Vedikkai) Olympics. But to show that we are not a backward looking people,
dreaming about ancient glory and exaggerating the virtues of our long
history- the events must all be based on the various sports that have
emerged in contemporary India. Here are a few possible events that come
to mind:
Queue jumping:
This is
a subtle sport not for the crude and unsophisticated. For example those
who win this game are not the ones who aggressively jump ahead of others
in the queue by muscling their way through. The winner is required to
feign an air of authority, wield a stick and pretend he has come to
set the queue straight- at the end of which process he is mysteriously
the fellow right in front.
Indian Fencing:
In this
innovative sport, contrary to the violence involved in its Western counterpart
with a similar name, there will be no use of swords or of any force
at all. Each participant will be given the same amount of material to
make a fence and the winner is the one who can build a viable fence
around the largest amount of public land he/she can grab.
Discus throw:
Conventionally in the Greco-Roman version of this sport, participants
are required to throw a UFO shaped object as far as they physically
can. On the contrary in its Indian version the participant, on hearing
the word discus immediately gets prepared for a long dialogue
of some kind, gently marshalling his arguments, facts and figures. And
when it comes to throwing a discussion of any kind is there anybody
who can really compete with our smooth-tongued fellow countrymen and
women? They will keep throwing a discussion at you even if you throw
a UFO shaped object at them in reply.
Hop-step-and-jump:
In the Indian version of this sport there will be a mass transport bus
from New Delhi that never stops but only decelerates at the sight of
passengers waiting to get on. The winner is the one who can hop-step-and-jump
to push the most number of old people, women and children en route to
a seat on the bus. The referee/conductor blows the whistle to speed
the bus on its way while the passengers are still trying to get aboard.
The aggressiveness
demanded in this sport is a concession to those unruly foreigners who
come from the muscular Greek traditions of Atlas and Hercules. It is
also to acknowledge the fact that Alexander and his military ways did
make a deep and lasting impression on at least some of our fellow-citizens
in the national capital.
Satya
Sagar is a journalist, writer, video-maker based in Thailand.
He can be reached at [email protected]