Mann Ki Baat at The Trump Tower?

By Raju Rajagopal

22 September, 2015
Countercurrents.org

When Prime Minister Modi visits New York this week, will he take the opportunity to call on candidate Trump? After all, the Republican front-runner has been a vocal supporter of his government, and Modi could return the favor with some timely tips on campaigning, governance, and fashion! Who knows, ‘President Trump’ may join him at the Republic Day Parade in Delhi, come January 2017.

One can only imagine what a friendly chitchat between these two political ‘outsiders’ might sound like:

“Namaste Trumpji.”

“Prime Minister Modi, what a pleasant surprise!”

“Came to United Nasons and wanted to say hello to my new American hero.”

“Bunch of losers and haters, if you ask me. They act as if they own the whole damn world! Mark my words, Mr. Modi, they will be outa’ here, come January 2017. Ah, what is this?”

“Humble gift from people of India to future President: Holy Bagavad Geetha.”

“Gee, thanks. There, I will put it right next to my three most favorite books: The Art of the Deal, The Art of the Deal, and The Bible.”

“You’re welcome Mr. Trump. Geetha is 100% inspiration. Want every Indian to learn it chapter and verse.”

“Yeah, like The Bible, to me. Only, I just started with the chapters and haven’t gotten to the verses yet. So, tell me, where do you go next?”

“Silicon Valley to meet NRIs on Make in India, and Zuckerbergji. I return for meeting Obama on climate change.”

“Jesus! Don’t tell me that you too have fallen for that Chinese lie. Only climate change I see is the El Nino caused by their currency. Had half a mind to sue them, but my hedge fund guys tell me they have me covered. Chai, Narendra?”

“Thanks. That reminds me, I’m told that we have lots in common.”

“Oh?”

“I sell tea many years ago and now you’re selling yourself to the Tea Party, ha ha!”

“Wussies, every one of them; but I need them for the elections.”

“Your RSS!”

“What?”

“Never mind. And ‘Never Say Sorry,’ both our winning mantra, hai na?”

“Now Hillary’s on to it.”

“Donald, that idea of a wall down south. Impressive! Spessally the we-build-they-pay strategy.”

“Hispanics love it. Less competition. Look at my latest polls!”

“We need one on our eastern border, you know. They don’t send us their best either, not counting poets, that is. They blend in so quickly we can’t tell the difference.”

“Senor Jeb should hear that.”

“And your handling of the press. Sooper! Wish I could tell off all those human-rights-wallahs with ‘gotcha’ questions on Gujarat.”

“Why not?”

“No press conferences in my plan! But I do meet children all the time and they seem to know exactly what to ask.”

“Hey, you should be able to relate to this. Have you seen the sheer passion of my fans? Never seen anything like it! But all CNN could do was to go on and on about the beating of one miserable homeless person.”

“Totally! I remember when my supporters went passionate in 2002, lefties were piling on me day after bloody day, when in fact I hadn’t done anything.”

“Bad news for your corporate friends on the land acquisition front, I hear.”

“What to do. ‘Land for the Landless’ campaign just didn’t bear fruit. The darn Congress, a thorn on my side.”

“Believe me, my friend, they won’t matter, come January 2017. The Hill will either fall in line or step out of my way. I am like rich, you know. VERY rich! Ambanis and Adanis and Advanis many times over. If the lousy NRA with a pitiful bank account can do it, why can’t Trump?

“Patience Donald. Aren’t you jumping the gun here? Seems like you have a lot more homework before you can climb that White House gaddi.

“Such as?”

“For starters, I understand you’re not exactly hot in women’s department.”

“What to do. Every compliment is turned on its head.”

“That’s just it, the head. Your Achilles Heel! If I was you, I would chuck the hairpiece and go for Modi line headwear. Different one every day of the week, and women will be falling head over heels for you. Your trump card!”

“Phew! For a moment, I thought you were talking yoga.”

“And those suits! Seriously, you need a different label, if you know what I mean. Here, try my tailor. Remember, when it comes to high fashion, there are no party lines. Follow Modi, and you will take off among women in a hurry.”

“Whatever! Heard about your silk suit.”

“Finally, Don, cut out all that nasty talk. After primaries, whole new football game. Be more presidential.”

“I would suffocate!”

“I’ve been there. Why not let super-PACs stir the kichadi all they want and you just sit back and count the votes. Possible deniability, you Americans call it?”

“Super-PACs, in India?”

“We call them the Sangh Parivar.”

“Plausible, Namo, ‘plausible deniability.’ But enough of my looks. What is up with the Patel revolt in your own backyard?”

“Sad. Very sad! They want reservations.”

“Oh no! Don’t repeat our folly. Lousy negotiators, our presidents were, and we’re still paying for bad deals and vacant lots. Should’ve sent them home when we had a chance. And then there is all that alcohol and obesity. Don’t want those in Gujarat, do you? You’re quiet.”

“Job reservations, Don, J-O-B-S!”

“You get to reserve jobs in India?”

“O bapre! Don, I’m still dwelling on your great wall.”

“Shoot!”

“Idea too expensive and impractical some say. Better idea just flashed in my eyes: cheaper, faster, eco-friendly, movable…and scalable. No, cross out that last one! Best of all, no un-documented Mexicans needed to build; only more H1B visas.”

“Got my attention.”

“Holographic wall, my friend, and force fields!

“Wow! Now I see why they call you the other man with big ideas.”

“And I can vouch for the technology. Imagine, Holo-in-a-Wall by Trump, while Hillary just sits on the fence.”

“Hey, I’m late for my Carly ‘face-off’, hee-hee, and I just didn’t see the time pass.”

“Oh sorry. Here, namkeen or sweet? My favorite biscuits.100% Made In India, like my NRIs.”

“Thanks, and have a good trip West. Tell Mark…and Nadela…and Pichhai that I’ve changed my mind. They can have all the H1Bs they want.”

“Good decisson! They’re the real answer to your immigration question.”

“Hey, nice chatting with you, Namo. Seems like ‘Achhe Din’ is finally coming to America. See you at the inauguration…in New York!

“You hope.”

“And Namo, don’t let Obama twist your arms on Carbon. Far as I’m concerned, you can put out as much gas as you want…”

“Come January 2017!”

Raju Rajagopal is a San Francisco Bay Area and Bangalore-based social activist, writer, and a retired health care entrepreneur.