Every Moment For Me Is Fear
ByKamwaura Nygothi
08 July, 2004
The GuardianI am an asylum seeker and I am black. I believe that in Middlesbrough, where the Home Office has placed me, I am not safe. I was a successful businesswoman in Kenya and I would love to work and contribute taxes to British society rather than get benefits - but I am not allowed to.
On buses people refuse to sit next to me and shout out "monkey" and "asylum seeker". In the street a big, strong man struck me on my back with his fists and said: "You are illegal, you should go back to your country." Boys spit at me and throw stones when I walk down the street. If I go to a public toilet, whoever is behind me in the queue won't use it after me.
One friend had fireworks thrown through her letter box. Several mothers I know left their babies in the creche at a local family centre for a couple of hours. They returned to find their babies sitting in dirty nappies. They felt this was because the staff didn't want to touch their babies. Middlesbrough reminds me of South Africa during apartheid.
I fled Kenya after a period in detention where I was raped and burned with acid and cigarettes because I belonged to a group which opposed the government. I was released on bail and was convinced that it was only a matter of time before I was jailed and tortured again.
My survival instinct took over and I left everything - my family, my business, which was worth a lot of money, and my community - to escape to a place where I thought I'd be safe. I came to England for one reason only, because I'd heard it was a country that respects human rights.
In London, where I was initially placed, I felt safe for the first time in years. There is a large Kenyan community there: it's an environment where people from many different backgrounds mostly live peacefully together and where there are support services for traumatised asylum seekers, including the only services in the country for female asylum seekers who have been raped.
But my experience in the north-east has made me realise that London is another country.
I was shocked when the immigration authorities told me I was being "dispersed" to Middlesbrough and that if I didn't go my support would be cut off. I knew of asylum seekers who refused to leave London. They ended up sleeping on the streets and going hungry.
I had no idea what it would be like in the north-east but I felt I had no choice but to go. We were transported at night by coach and placed in our new accommodation with a small amount of cash. I was given a flat on a council estate where I am the only black person.
By the time I had experienced a few days in Middlesbrough, any hope I had was in shreds. The council's asylum unit handed us a welcome pack when we arrived.
They should have called it "Welcome to Racism". It warned us about the possibility of racist attacks on asylum seekers and told us who to complain to if we experienced anything from verbal abuse to physical violence. "While members of the team are happy to listen to your concerns, they can't deal with non-emergencies," concludes the warning.
I never experienced this level of discrimination in London. Racism is not a concept I was familiar with in Kenya and only now that I have been moved to Middlesbrough do I properly understand what the word means.
The fact that an explicit warning is given to us suggests to me that the government knows exactly what they are sending us to. They have a duty of care to asylum seekers, but deliberately placing us in this environment seems to me to be wilful neglect of that duty.
There have been cases of asylum seekers being murdered in this part of the country and in Scotland. Every moment for me is fear.
I have been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress syndrome as a result of what happened to me in Kenya and am experiencing suicidal feelings. I'm scared of walking down the street and only go out when I have to. I'm scared of going out after 5.30pm because I know the risk of attack rises as evening approaches. I'm scared of what will happen when my asylum case comes up in North Shields - I haven't heard of any asylum seeker who has won their case there. There are too many things to have nightmares about.
I am made to feel as if I smell and there is zero tolerance for the non-existent smell of an asylum seeker. I escaped from Kenya because I wanted to live, but in Middlesbrough all I can think about is how much I want to die.
· Kamwaura Nygothi ran a wholesale food business in Kenya. She applied for asylum in February 2002. The Black Women's Rape Action Project, which has supported her, can be reached at [email protected]