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Geronimo! How We took Out OBL And My Conscience!

By Oscar Gonzalez

10 May, 2011
Countercurrents.org

“Tide goes in, tide goes out. Never a miscommunication. You can’t explain that.”

That little gem of wisdom comes from Bill O’Reilly. Plenty of my liberal friends snigger when Mr. O’Reilly imputes his willful ignorance to all of humanity, but I don’t want to argue with the merits of his seductive syllogism. I also won’t quibble over whether ocean tides actually talk to each other. It is now obvious that Mr. O’Reilly is an animist, not a Christian as everyone had assumed.

I come to praise Bill O’Reilly, not to bury him. I may not approve of the substance of what he says, but I like his approach. I know, I know, this surprises me as much as you. But I’ve found his “you can’t explain it” methodology invaluable lately. I rediscovered Mr. O’Reilly’s maxim right after President Obama’s big OBL is dead announcement. I was having a hard time reconciling myself with the state of the world. I laughed at birthers, reviled the Tea Party, and was irked by the stark hypocrisies and base betrayals from President Obama, Congress, and the US Supreme Court.

I was not happy, which did not make sense. Here we had a wonderfully telegenic president eloquently supporting equality and rule of law, and yet I was somehow inexplicably depressed just because everything he did was in diametric opposition to his stated values. I was a Grade A, pain-in-the-rear nitpicker. Before converting to O’Reillyism (also known as the Church of Never-Ask-Questions-If-You-Suspect-You-Won’t-Like-The-Answers), I never realized that I was chiefly responsible for my own pursuit of happiness, and that I brought on my perpetual funk by not taking things (especially official pronouncements) at face value.

Take OBL’s execution, for example.

Like every good citizen of our great country, I should have automatically and audibly celebrated the execution of a unarmed, unguarded, decrepit old man who apparently claimed responsibility for 9/11, but for which there was little evidence, and even though our country lost its one chance to interrogate the puppet master of international terrorism. I should also have applauded the wisdom of our President for disposing of the body in the ocean and refusing to release the gruesome photos, even though these steps can only enflame the industry of conspiracy theorists. I should have been satisfied with the official pronouncements however much they contradicted each other, but I just could not tamp down my skepticism. I was a wet rag. I bad American. The skeptical side of my brain drained the patriotic impulses from my soul. Heck, being an agnostic, I wasn’t even sure I had a soul that could be drained.

Then I remembered:

“Tide goes in, tide goes out. Never a miscommunication. You can’t explain that.”

Yes! Yes! What a glorious mantra. (Mr. O’Reilly should seriously consider lending this out to Texas science textbooks). Like all good mantras (think: USA! USA!), it stops the outside world from intruding on one’s inner peace. It is also deceptively versatile. The “can’t” in “you can’t explain that,” doesn’t just mean an inability, but also a prohibition, which comes in handy when you are trying to everyone pointed in the same direction (a tough thing to do in a democracy), but also a necessity when several perpetual wars are being waged by a Commander-in-Chief who does not hesitate at aiming predator drones at anyone he doesn’t like, even US citizens.

Now I can watch the NBA finals in peace, revel in the warm afterglow of the royal wedding, and anxiously await the reunion of Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell. Maybe I’ll even take in that new Thor flick. To think, just a week ago, I considered these enriching activities as bothersome and wasteful distractions that no engaged or responsible citizen would waste her or his time on. Now I can proudly say that I have not even read Glenn Greenwald in over a week. Banish the thought. Indeed, banish all thoughts. Literally.

No longer will I be bothered with niggling questions, like:

- Why did we attack Afghanistan and Iraq (and why are we still there) when OBL was in Pakistan?

- How can we say the assassination was successful if it took nine years to track down an unarmed coot in a residential neighborhood of an ally country? And was it worth it, if three wars bankrupted our country, trashed our civil liberties, and caused the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people?

- If OBL was a war criminal, shouldn’t we have put him on trial for war crimes like we put Nazis on trial after WWII and like the Israelis did with Adolf Eichmann? Weren’t we obligated to do that, and because we didn’t, aren’t we war criminals?

- How could OBL be war criminal if our Congress hasn’t officially declared war on anyone since WWII? Don’t we have laws that prohibit the President and his operatives from assassinating people? Weren’t those laws put in place after Watergate when Congress found out that our country had plotted to assassinate political leaders?

- If OBL was such a big threat, and we killed him, doesn’t that mean the threat is gone? Isn’t it time to close up shop, bring the troops back, balance the budget, restore our liberties, and slash the defense budget? When can we declare victory?

- If the threat continues, why did we kill OBL?

- Why was the assassination called Operation Geronimo after the great Apache leader who history judges as a heroic, tragic defender of his people against ethnic cleansing and imperialistic encroachments? Who played part of the Apaches, the Navy Seals or OBL?

- How we would be reacting if Iraqi commandos landed at George W. Bush's compound, assassinated him, and dumped his body in the Atlantic?

Ok, I admit it. I lifted the last question from Noam Chomsky. My progressive/liberal friends continue to pepper me with their contrarian views. Let them. I am shielded. The rod and the staff of Obama and O’Reilly comfort me, and I can’t blame them for using a rod and a staff on me. Nothing else would have worked.

Oscar Gonzalez is a writer, satirist, and a recovering liberal from Dallas, Texas




 


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